A theme that comes up a lot in my coaching sessions is one of letting go. This past week, I was working with a client who is struggling with a transition issue.* During our conversation, he repeatedly referred to his inability to “let go” of something he’s holding on to, which he feels is preventing him from properly transitioning to the next chapter in his life.
The concept of letting go isn’t new, nor is it particularly unique. We all have things in our life we hold onto that, over time, we begin to realize are no longer serving us. This could be a relationship, a job, or even a state of mind. The problem with these things is that not only are they no longer useful, but we often find they are holding us back from realizing our full potential.
Letting Go: Drifting or Sinking
I like using a sailing metaphor when working with clients on this concept of letting go. Ideally, we should be on a ship that is fully stocked with all the resources and provisions we need for our journey, and most importantly, our ship should be sailing in the right direction.
However, we sometimes find ourselves on what I refer to as “drifting ships.” Perhaps the ship has lost fuel or perhaps we simply realize that the direction of this ship is no longer the direction we need to go. For example, perhaps you are in a job or role that provides you with stability and comfort, but you feel called to do something else with your life. Staying in your job/role is like staying on a drifting ship, one that’s not going to take you to that new destination.
Alternatively, we may end up on a “sinking ship,” in which the ship has been damaged in some way, is taking on water, and is going down. For example, you may find yourself in a failing relationship that’s done nothing but hold you back from the person you’re meant to become, but you keep holding onto the memories of what it could have been. In this case, staying on the ship isn’t just going to keep you from stepping into that next phase of life, it’s likely going to drown you in other challenges that further separate you from who you’re meant to become.
The problem with these ships is that we got on them in the first place for a reason. They are often comfortable and have something particularly compelling about them. Sometimes, we were the architects of the ship and it’s the ships themselves we don’t want to abandon. We worry that by jumping ship—by letting go—we will be losing something that we love.
Letting Go and Mourning
The truth is: We will. We will be losing something we love or at least something that we loved at one time. Letting go IS loss, and that’s what makes it so painful. So, let’s go back to my client for a moment. As he was talking about his inability to let go, I saw a flash of pain cross his face. My initial instinct was to question why he wanted to “let go” if it was causing him so much pain, but I knew from our previous conversations that there are some amazing things ahead of him. So, I took a moment to reconfirm: When you think about the next phase of your life, what do you see? His answer told me everything I needed to know: It looked almost the opposite of what it looks like today.
This told me one very important thing: He needed to find a way to let go or he would never take the next step. In other words, he needed to mourn the loss of what he was leaving behind so he could focus all his attention on the journey ahead.
When we think about mourning, we often think about it in relation to a loved one, but humans are pretty adept at mourning things in various aspects of our lives. For example, you may mourn the life you had before you started having children. It doesn’t mean you love your child any less, but you need to let go of some aspects of your past life so you can be a good parent to your new child. Readers will mourn the “loss” of finishing a good book. My writing clients mourn the “loss” of characters they kill off or books they complete. It happens all the time.** So, what can you do?
Mourning in Action
You mourn.
Okay, it’s not exactly that simple, but taking some of the steps we take in the mourning process can be hugely beneficial in helping us loosen our grip on whatever we are holding onto so we can move onto the next chapter of our lives.
At the end of my session with my client, I gave him an assignment: Write a eulogy. In his case, he’s writing a eulogy to the aspects of his life he’s struggling to let go of. However, if you’ve stumbled upon this blog, you can write a eulogy to anything that needs to be left behind—to the losses you are inevitably going to face. So, if you want to participate, there are four key things you should include in your eulogy:
1. All the things you loved about the thing you need to let go of.
2. Why you will miss it.
3. How it helped you grow as a person to this point in your life.
4. How it prepared you for the next part of your life & what you will take with you as you continue your journey.
These four things will help you start working through the emotions of your “loss,” enabling you to remember the good times while preparing yourself for a life without this thing you’ve been holding onto for too long.
If you are struggling to let go, start here. And if you do, let’ me know how it goes by sending me an email or in the comments below!
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*While I specialize in writing coaching, I am a Professional Certified Coach through the ICF, so I do also see clients who are working through other non-writing-related concerns. Often, these concerns are related to relationship or transition issues, as those are the two topics (outside of writing) where I have expertise.
**For my writers: You can use this eulogy exercise in your writing! If you have a stubborn character who doesn’t want to let go of something, have them write a eulogy to it so you can help sort out what they might be experiencing and remove the block in your writing. Alternatively, if you are the writer mourning the completion of your book, writing a eulogy can help you sort through all the emotions of grinding out the book so you can prepare for your next writing project!
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